horizontal (not) running

no idea as to when i started lying on the couch right after work, but i am pretty sure it's been a month already. 

a month of staying horizontal more than vertical because i just feel like it.

my brain wants me to practise arnis more

bake more

cook more

tend to the garden more

but no, the call of the couch is louder.

so i lie down and get dazed by the glare of my phone

scrolling

scrolling

scrolling

sometimes reading 

or staring out the window and into nothingness

or just closing my eyes

cos dreams are better than the reality.

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everything that occurred before 2020 tends to feel more like a dream now as each day passes by. that's all.

year one

i've been meaning to write in this thing for quite some time but was too lazy. well, i feel like writing now so here it is.

it's been a year and a week since luzon was placed in lockdown. and a year and a week hence, we are back to where we started. cases have risen once more and we are back to curfew. just curfew?! nocturnal daw kasi yung virus kaya ganun! 😆if i were them i'd have placed at least metro manila in temporary lockdown again. 

am not really surprised at the rise in cases. once the metro was placed in gcq, everything was back to pre-pandemic state practically in an instant. it's as if there's no virus lurking around. the only difference is that there's still the physical distancing, people are still wearing masks and face shields; the contact tracing forms are present in all establishments; alcohol and sanitisers still being sold by the gallons, etc. then again, the face shields and the filling out of contact tracing forms are going the way of becoming a mere suggestion, a distant memory, even. even if the regulations are still in place. 

prior to the recent surge in cases came the vaccines. finally! but even the vaccine rollout is currently thrashing under the insufferable politicking of some ldhjehfqlcmnlwwliehfe. my heart breaks for all of us who have to endure such incompetence.

so yep. we're back where we started with more cases than ever. so it's back to grocery deliveries. back to staying at home except for essential errands. just with the usual pre-pandemic noise of vehicles passing by. 

one saving grace at least on my end is that i am working from home once again just before the metro-wide curfew was announced. a little backstory. in the second half of 2020, i underwent a series of being placed in no-work, no pay status, being recalled, then placed back in nwnp until i finally got retrenched. such is the story of most people working in small businesses hit hard by the pandemic. finally got a job after some months of searching and had to work onsite for a month before we were deployed to our homes. so far, so good and i am enjoying it. 

i must say though, that one month of going out to work felt a bit like playing russian roulette with death. ha. or maybe that's just me being overly dramatic. but it can't be helped that there's that fear of catching covid every time i ride the train, get on an elevator, and anything that would require personal interactions. yet at the same time, there's that will to fight through that very fear that has kept us in our homes for the past year (as well as the fear of not being able to pay the bills lol). so i continue to wear my armour of prayers, alcohol, face mask, and face shield any time i am required to go out. at any rate, i'm just glad to be working from home again since i never liked going out that much, covid or no covid.

was sound tripping a few nights ago when i realised that the songs i was listening to were released around 2010-2015. and in some way i got to thinking, wow, we did have a life before all this madness. however, that life felt like a dream and we're living in this nightmare now. which reminds me of a previous post where i told my friend that i've quite forgotten what life was like before covid. that sentiment still holds true and i find myself reminiscing the "good old days"--2019 and further back--when i listen to music.

everyone sees 2020 as the most horrible year in recent history. some even consider it as "the-year-that-must-not-be-mentioned". if anything, 2020 showed what human nature really is like when faced with adversity, and the internet made it even easier to see it. there were the stories of hope and hopelessness. growth, regression, and stagnation were amplified in all sectors of society thanks or no thanks to social media. 

my 2020 experience is very much like my high school years and a certain year-that-must-not-be-mentioned--awful, with pockets of light shining through the parts that had managed to crack. that light meaning personal growth in every aspect, stuff learned, events that brighten up each week. meaning, i will always have mixed feelings about 2020 until the day i die. ha.  

.

15 may 2019
it was a regular day for yours truly at work. boss called a team dinner for his birthday after work at a hotel buffet, no less. it was a rainy night and it took us some time to get to the hotel, so our reservation got cancelled and we went to a different buffet restaurant instead. at that time there were three of us celebrating our birthdays close to each other, so we got a great deal for about nine people at that time. i remember it was a little bittersweet since it was also the last day of my friend in the office and we were making the most out of it, complete with melting dessert and glasses of lukewarm beer.

what a difference a year makes. or maybe not. ok, maybe a little bit.

15 may 2020
pandemic. silent mayhem everywhere. fairly new team and friends. we're all at home working, or at least a part of the team was. it also rained the whole day. in fact, there was a typhoon on a supposed summer day. boss's birthday was celebrated virtually a few days ago. friend's birthday coming up, and so's mine. the last time i heard from that friend of mine was october of last year. i hope she's doing well amidst all this.

this maelstrom. i'd like to think this is just a blip on the screen, and not a permanent one. right now i am bombarded with lots of memories with people whom i've gotten to know and love, even with the occasional frustrations and brain farts i'd rather forget. but because every little thing that transpired for the past year has some sort of significance for this old, sentimental fool, i just can't. so i will just leave it that way for now.

i just channelled all my energies into cleaning and doing the laundry, which, by the way, i've been doing anyway ever since i could do both properly. the only thing i haven't done ever before the lockdown was bake yeast bread. which i also did. at this point of this writing, said bread is done and it smells oh, so yummy. i'll have to wait a bit for the bread to completely cool down before i taste it.

speaking of taste, one bright thing about the current doldrums i'm in is the fact that the liquor ban is finally lifted in qc. yeah!

my heart is both heavy and light. i was actually writing something after this paragraph but decided to just put it in a different post. this one's too blah and boo-hoo for the fangirling tone of it.

good bye for now and stay safe and stay at home, you hapless reader who reached this part of this sad post.

:)

my birthday is coming up and i have no idea what to do. originally planned to go to japan but circumstances do not allow for that now. so yes, no idea. maybe i'll just stay home. it sounds appealing more and more as the days go by.

=======================

so i just tried to watch lexie grey's death on youtube cos i keep reading fan comments on chyler leigh's instagram about she shouldn't have been killed off from grey's anatomy. man, that was so hard to watch. it reminds me when prue was killed in charmed. that hurt my heart so bad. and now after watching that particular lexie grey scene, ouch. sigh.

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not feeling well the whole day. hopefully i'm better by tomorrow. wala lang.

letter to my 21 year-old self.

written a couple of years ago by my older (now younger) self. ;)

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dear lotts,

so! you have now just turned a good old 21. this is a very significant age for you. you have graduated from college a couple months back, and now you are on a well-deserved bakasyon engrande in new jersey, living a semi-independent life thousands of miles away from your own family. thank God for tito and his family who so graciously welcomed you into their home.

today is also the first time that you are celebrating your birthday far away from your family and your friends. a new kind of experience for you, but i don't think that you're feeling even a teeny bit homesick. in fact, all you can think of is the freedom that being 21 brings. that and the time when you will be asked for your ID when you get to order an alcoholic drink because you don't look 21. ha! you'll have that experience soon enough. (spoiler alert!)

whoa, 21 years old. so you feel old now, huh? mature? a real adult? well dearie, the ultra main reason why this season of your life is very significant for you is because in the months of your living semi-independently, you will be learning a lot about relationships, travelling, and basically life as it will be served to you. in tagalog, marami ka pang kakaining bigas. papunta ka pa lang, nangangalahati na ako sa paglalakbay.

okay now, let's start with the fun part: YOU ARE ONLY A BRIDGE AWAY FROM NEW YORK CITY! remember that NYC has three more boroughs, and not just Manhattan and Brooklyn. explore, explore, explore some more! you already feel at home in the city that never sleeps. as you already know, it's just like Manila--only the chaos there is a little more orderly.

at any rate, with your weekly jaunts to NYC, you will learn that walking is the best way to explore. you'll also discover that you enjoy travelling by yourself and getting lost in the process. here's the thing. going out without a plan is one thing, but make sure you know how to get to the places you really intend to visit.  discovering new stores and eats is a bonus along the way.

if the places you want to see are in unfamiliar areas, then write down directions, genuinely study a map, and don't be too shy to ask someone for directions when you are not confident that you are traversing in the right way. it is the same in life. having a goal is essential. once you know what you want, you plan for it, and then work towards that goal. you see, while inconveniencing yourself can be quite exciting at times because of that sense of the unknown factor, it can be a pain in the butt as well.  

oh yeah, here's a great suggestion: when you're in Manhattan and impulse strikes, please follow it regardless of the things that you don't have with you at the moment. you never know what surprises await you when you board a bus or train to somewhere. SO GO BUY THAT TICKET TO CONNECTICUT!!!

when tita offers to help you in starting up your devotions, grab it. AND be serious about it. having a personal relationship with God is very important. i can never stress that enough. always include God in your plans and never fail in asking Him for guidance. read your Bible regularly and get to know God better by doing daily devos. they will not only help you discern His will for you, but you will learn how to live a Christ-like life (no matter how difficult that is for us mere mortals).

sometimes you think that whatever you will be ten years from now is very far off. you know what, it's not really that far off. you will get caught up in your day-to-day activities that one day you will just wake up and realize that ten years have already passed. by then your interests and priorities will have changed, and most probably your way of thinking as well. whatever you decide to do in your twenties will set the course of what you will be after ten years. so in addition to the ones i've written above, here are some more nuggets of wisdom that will help you.

you are raging to start working now that you are 21 (oohhh). you are so fired up with lots of choices that you want to be a lot of things at a time. but you are only one person. first, find a job that suits you, the sooner the better. the rest of your interests will eventually fall into place.

believe in your abilities. do not ever edit or restrain yourself except when the situation calls for it. i know that you have this tendency of stopping in the middle of a task or never repeating something because of some comment, may it be good or bad. well, guess what. your abilities are God-given and you have to make good use of them. so what if there are rubberneckers? so what if there are people who are ultra-maarte and pakialamero? there are more people who believe in your talents, so you must learn to believe in yourself. God, yourself and your family and friends are your team.

twenty-one is an age when most people, including you, are very idealistic. not to burst your bubble or anything, but let me tell you as early as now that experiencing a lot of disappointments along the way is inevitable. it may be because of circumstances or the people around you. when something happens, do not take it to heart so much. disappointment leads to disillusionment which ultimately leads to cynicism. oops. have i already burst your bubble? think of this as your first life lesson then.

there are times when people want to be left alone. you are a mostly solitary person yourself, so you should understand when others want to be alone.

do not be shy to speak up. if you cannot avoid being with large groups of people, let them know from time to time that you are not invisible. i'm not saying that you make a scene or something; just share your thoughts with them or make a funny comment or burp or fart or whatever. just as long as they won't leave you while you're in the restaurant's CR because they forgot that you were with them. remember that particular scene from a couple years back? keep in mind: only the invisible man and harry potter and his friends can become invisible.

speaking of speaking up, try to share more of yourself with your friends. you already have the gift of listening. you will just make it harder for yourself to share anything if you keep clamming up. not fair to your friends who pour out their inner beings to thee.

you know what, one thing that i am thankful to God for is that He always sends people at just the right time, whether on sunny days or when we are enveloped in clouds of doom and gloom and in dire need of some cheering up (but just don't want to admit it). these people, a.k.a. friends are the angels here on earth with whom we will have formed bonds so strong that not even oceans that separate us can sever them. so yes. giving just a little bit more of yourself won't hurt a bit.

but what if it does hurt? you may ask. to quote the great nora roberts, the heart has to break a little to make room. that is, to make room for people to enter your life and enrich it (or otherwise...da-da-da-dunn!), and for the life lessons that you will be learning as the years go by.

i guess that's it. enjoy your stay with tito and family over there. don't give tito and tita any headaches, huh! i promise you great memories of your trip there that will stay with you for all time. happy sailing through life. focus on what you want, what you really, really want, and you might just get the condo and ducati you've been salivating over just a little bit sooner.

ms. lotts

p.s. conversation over food and/or drinks is the best kind of conversation.

p.p.s. kids who don't want to eat are best left alone until they get hungry. then they'll eat on their own accord.

p.p.p.s. cut back on those king-sized chocolate bars and bags of potato chips, will you? go play basketball in the park with the guys instead of walking to 7-11 practically every single afternoon for your sugar and salt fix.

cold and other silly stories

my nose is cold. my skin is dry due to the cold. i feel cold all over. because it's cold today. it's cold yesterday. it's cold the day before yesterday. it's been cold since the beginning of january. i like it. i like the cold. because it makes me feel warm inside. my pyjamas are nice and warm. socks help keep my body warm. hot chocolate gives me warm fuzzies. i wish it's always this cold.

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the moon. the moon is full. the moon is unusual. it has been unusual for the past three nights. it has this huge ring around it. it's called a moon halo or a moonbow. it's beautiful. it's gorgeous. that's all i can say about it. the moonbow, that is.

the moon flies by my window this time of year. and because it's full now, it casts a bright sheen in my room just as soon as i turn off the light. i smile. hugely. then i dive under the blanket and hug my cold pillow tightly. and then i bury my stupid, smiling face in it.

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sleep. it's one of my favourite things to do. because in sleep i can dream, which is my more favourite thing to do. in dreams i can do whatever i want, become who i want to be. i can go to many places. places that are familiar to me in real life look weird in my dreams. i often dream of carnivals and theme parks; the weirder-looking, the better. i can fly in my dreams. i can swim much better in my dreams than i do in real life too. sometimes i can control my dreams, sometimes i can't. i can even read although it's a little bit hard.

i remember a recurring dream i've had as a kid. it was about this nice little girl who lived in another hilly part of the town where i live. she's thin and has short curly hair. she always sat in her favourite chair in front of her house, watching the other kids play on the street, myself included. she couldn't play with us because one of her arms was useless--there weren't any bones in it. but the girl could raise that particular arm of hers and it would wobble this way and that. all of us kids became interested and came to her. we asked if we could touch her arm and she said it's ok. that was how she made friends. i only dreamed about this twice. after the second one i hoped i would dream about it again but i didn't anymore. it's a bit disappointing, really. but i never forgot it.

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when i wake up in the morning, the magic of the night will have gone. everything will be just regular and commonplace once more. i will feel just a bit silly as i recall thinking of all things fuzzy and fanciful in the darkness of the night. but i am a patient person. even as i go through the regular, commonplace things that normal people do, i lie in wait for the night to come creeping back in. and when it does, i welcome it with open arms.